How does a Christian remain in contact, love, communication, and in a real community of life with his or her loved ones after they have died? How do we find our loved ones after death separates them from us?

Through their “word made flesh.” By giving concrete expression in our lives to those virtues and qualities which they best incarnated. How does this work?

It was all explained to us at Jesus’ resurrection. On Easter Sunday morning, Mary Magdala went to the tomb of Jesus. She was confronted with an empty tomb and an angel who said to her: “Why do you seek the living among the dead?” Curious words? Not really. In effect, the angel is telling her that cemeteries are not the real place where we find people who have passed from this world but are now alive in a new way. We do not find our deceased loved ones in their graves, good though it be to visit graves. Just as Mary Magdala did not find Jesus in his tomb, we too will not find our loved ones there. Where will we find them? We will meet the ones we can no longer touch when we put ourselves in situations where their souls once flourished. Our loved ones live where they have always lived and it is there that we will find them. What does that mean?

Simply put, we find our deceased loved ones by entering into life, in terms of love and faith, in the way that was most distinctive to them. We contact them and connect ourselves to them when, in our own lives, we shape the infinite richness of God’s life and compassion in the way that they did, when we pour ourselves into life as they did.

Let me try to illustrate this with an example: My own parents died more than twenty years ago. Sometimes I visit their graves. That is a good experience. I feel some grounding in it, some deep rooting that helps center me. But this is not my real contact with them. No. I meet them among the living. I meet them when, in my own life, I live what was most distinctively them in terms of their love, faith, and virtue.

Every good person shapes the infinite life and compassion of God in a unique way. When that person dies, we must seek him or her among the living. Thus, if we want a loved one’s presence we must seek him or her out in what was most distinctively him or her, in terms of love, faith, and virtue. If your mother had a gift for hospitality, you will meet her when you are hospitable; if your friend had a passion for justice, you will meet him when you give yourself over to the quest for justice; if your aunt had a great zest for life, for meals with her family, and for laughter in the house, you will meet her when you have a zest for life, eat with your family, and have laughter in your house.

That is how a Christian searches for his or her loved ones after they have died. Given the incarnation, given that we are all part of the word becoming flesh, we search for our deceased loved ones outside of cemeteries, among the living – at our tables, in our places of work, and in the decisions, great and small, that we must daily make.

from The Holy Longing by Ronald Rolheiser